University Star

You can feel it in the air: amorous couples, sweaty palms, awkward glances full of hope in single classmates’ eyes—the simple romance of it all.

Today is Valentine’s Day, and I’m the Love Editor, here to be your personal guide on this day of romantic endeavors. My credentials? I’m a ladies’ man: of the ladies, by the ladies, for the ladies. It’s right there in the Constitution. Check it out in your spare time—good read.

Now, let’s get to the point. You want that fine madam or sir in your English class to think twice about you.

I can help, but you have to listen closely. Some of my methods are ancient secrets from around the world or from Frisbee Dan—whichever.

Getting your sweet squeeze’s attention is vital. That’s the first step. Act a fool if you have to. Wallflowers rarely get the first draft pick. Remember confidence is key, but don’t get cocky.

Lines don’t work, no matter how funny they are. The only way to win over your crush is with a genuine personality. If you don’t have one, acquire money. You will have a bevvy of ill-intentioned suitors, and you won’t even have to waste your time with silly things like emotional attachment.

Alternatively, you can learn to play the acoustic guitar, which you must carry around with you at all times. Play “Wonderwall” until people think you’re sensitive. I mean really just beat the hell out of it. They won’t understand until you play it at least four or five times.

Let’s say there are some more advanced lovers in here. You’ve got the mate, but you’re not sure how to have a dazzling date. My advice is going to come in just a few short waves, one for the ladies and one for the gentlemen.

Ladies first, of course. Men, your advice is just down below. Skip this paragraph, and we’ll be in business. Men are simple creatures. Bring your man a sixer of his favorite brew, turn on a Tarantino flick and tell him beer bellies are in style right now. And for the sake of all that is good, if you tell him you don’t want to do anything for Valentine’s, you’d better mean it. You will almost certainly get a convenience store burrito squashed into a heart shape—a realistic one. Pickings are tough that late in the game.

Now it’s time for the men. Ladies, no peeking. Trade secrets are enclosed. This is a gentlemen’s club, and I am the emcee. What I’m about to say may not be a revelation, but women love fancy things. For V-Day, take your special someone somewhere fancy. Take your lady to Fazoli’s. Ladies love Fazoli’s. However, don’t forget to add a personal touch. Buy some candles and make a lovely candelabra centerpiece. Put it right between your root beer and her Diet Coke. That’s pure romance.

Members of the LGBTQ community: don’t think I forgot about you. I love all y’all bisexual, polyamorous, quasi-gendered individuals. Most of these rules can apply to you too, if you switch around some pronouns and don’t get fussy about the naughty bits. True love knows no boundaries.