Cameron's Commentary: Thank you losers

Nov 5 2009 - 12:12am | Cameron Irvine

Thank you to the Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks for being undefeated just so Texas State could clobber you 28-7. Thank you to the New York Giants for losing the last three games after everyone said you were the best. Thank you to the Oklahoma State Cowboys for giving us something to talk about after your embarrassing loss to Houston earlier this year, ending your “this is our year” bunch of nothing. Thank you to the St. Louis Rams for “upsetting” the Detroit Lions for your first win in 150 years and giving us ESPN highlights we were forced to watch.

To all teams that have fallen from the top, been injured for the season, lowered expectations, or benched a potential superstar, thank you. For example, thank you Carolina Panthers, for keeping grossly aging Jake Delhomme in the starting lineup because you really believe he still has talent.

It’s a month to give thanks to teams like USC, Oklahoma and the Chicago Cubs who never fail to disappoint. Give thanks to Lane Kiffin, head coach of the Tennessee Volunteers, for trash talking the Florida Gators only to lose so bad I could not stop laughing. Thank you Tom Cable, for your fists of wisdom have shined a light on everyone involved.

For all the players who have ever shot themselves by accident (you come in here, Plaxico), or run down someone with their car. You provide a chance at redemption. You, and others, provide a time to boo when you depart and cheer when you return. Or, in Brett Favre’s case, cheer when you depart and boo when you return.

Thank you to the Russia hockey team for losing to the United States in the Olympics. A thank you should go out to O.J. Simpson for not killing people and to Steve McNair for ruining his legacy. Thanks to the Panthers, Eagles and Rams for giving New England three Super Bowls by a combined nine points. You really have inspired everyone.

Any team who has not had a winning season in years (yes you, Pittsburgh Pirates), any team who has faded from our memory (that’s you, New York Knicks) or any team that has so many thugs they practice in a prison (that’s you, Denver Nuggets), you have given the fans a reason to watch.

University of Michigan, you are my hero for losing to the fifth grade-level Appalachian State football squad in your 100,000-seat stadium.

Thank you, Jerry Jones for being dumb enough to build something so outrageous it actually interferes with your drama club football team from doing its job. You are wonderful, Ron Artest, for going into the stands and decking the drunk that threw beer at you in retaliation for you lying on the Pistons’ scores table and causing one of the biggest sports brawls in history. Florida State, you are my favorite icon because your players cannot even read.

These are some of the worst, funniest and most pathetic moments in sports, but all of these people and poor teams give us a reason to watch. Upsets, drama and stupidity fuel sports and America in general. So next time you feel the need to criticize these people, you should thank them for just doing their job.

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