There are a few things in life that are indisputable fact. John Wayne would’ve been this country’s greatest president, the concept of Godzilla is a myth perpetuated by the Japanese in order to make United States manufacturing non-competitive—and Bigfoot is real.
While Bigfoot is reality, something that definitely is not is global warming. How do I know this? Well, I have seen me a Bigfoot, and you will never come across climate change roaming the woods while on a hunting trip with your second cousin’s son-in-law.
I hail from the great state of Florida, and one of our rules is to not believe in what you cannot see. When ‘scientists’ and ‘teachers’ started talking about so-called environmental dangers, the only reasonable course of action we saw fit was to ban the phrases “climate change” and “global warming” altogether.
Why should we be concerning ourselves with the hoax that is climate change when we got Bigfoot running amok in our woods? Those beasts are the real threat to our planet. Florida Department of Environmental Protection’s Director, Herschel Vinyard Jr., and Florida Governor Rick Scott truly understand the impending dangers of Bigfoot and have our best interests in mind. While Vinyard stepped down from his position as DEP director, his climate change-denying legacy lives on as the ‘squatch hunt continues.
Despite the best efforts of our elected officials, the Sasquatch crisis lingers on. Over the past few years, The Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization, a reputable source known as BFRO to the common man, has reported 312 sightings of the beast in the state of Florida. That places it in third place for states with the highest recorded Bigfoot sightings. This is bordering on an epidemic of statewide proportions. Clearly, Floridians have their hands full with all the guns needed for the Bigfoots that need hunting.
I urge our stately neighbors to follow our example. States like Alabama, Kentucky and Tennessee already match us on our stance on climate change. That is commendable, as climate change is just a lie that gets in the way of real progress, like hunting those Sasquatches to extinction before they do the same to us.
The states that border the ‘squatch war’s’ front lines are similar to us in many ways. Other than our stances on climate change, the states in this neck of the woods are more inclined to believe in our cause. While Florida is not in Appalachia, we share many qualities in the education department. This provides boundless more opportunities to recruit for our cause because the only science we need is the study of how to weed out those pesky Bigfoots. Our ideas become more of a state of mind, one that shows the truth of the Sasquatch and the lies of fake science like global warming.
See my words and take heed, dear reader. Shut out the hoaxes of climate change and an ever-increasing global temperature for what you know in your hearts to be true, just like the citizens of our great Appalachia and Florida. The Bigfoot. They’re out there. Waiting.
–Jordan Pilkenton is a psychology sophomore and has a healthy fear