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Bobcat football should consist of actual bobcats

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Football season is finally back and we get to watch the Bobcats duke it out against some of the best college teams in America. As students of this fine university, it is our duty to support our great team in any way we can.

Recently, however, there seems to be something missing in our football program, a certain je ne sais quoi that is lacking. I have an idea that could revolutionize our approach to America’s game, and ultimately, the future of Texas State entirely. Our football team should consist of real bobcats.

This change would be quite simple. First, we catch 11 bobcats to draft onto the team. Second, we make cool new football uniforms for the beasts. We could follow Hollywood’s example and have an outfit similar to Air Bud’s ensemble in Air bud: Golden Reciever. Finally, we teach the bobcats how to play some football.

Over the course of any given year, attendance to football games held at Bobcat Stadium slowly declines at a consistent rate. Implementation of this new technique will surely keep attendance consistently high. Thousands upon thousands of patrons will flock to the stadium, and the mascot will finally live up to its name.

With increased attendance, our campus will see a monumental spike in profits. Once word gets out regarding our innovative team of wild animals, ticket sales alone may be enough for our school to finally get a wrecking crew to demolish Blanco Hall. An extra bonus? Bobcats cannot drive cars, and parking around campus will consequentially improve.

It is no secret that Texas State football, while incredible, is not as well known across the country as that of other Texas collegiate teams. If we instituted this innovative plan of replacing all of our players with deadly, feral bobcats, we would certainly gain a new and unique sense of school spirit.

Some may find this idea ridiculous, dangerous and in poor taste. Many people have suggested that since the bobcats will likely reject all attempts at training in the rules of football, it will become less of a game and more of a “wild-bobcats-attacking-everything-they-can” event. To combat these notions, some clarifications are in order.

A commonly expressed question is, “Isn’t this like dog fighting?” The answer to that is no. The bobcats will not be fighting each other. They will be fighting human men. Such a concept is more similar to the gladiator matches of ancient Rome, whose legacy lives on to this day.

Another commonly expressed concern is whether football players will die. Some certainly will, but that is a chance we have to take. In any case, the average football player’s career (if they make it to the NFL) is 3.3 years. Given the choice, we all would give up 3.3 measly years of fame and glory for the chance to be slain by a mighty bobcat on the field of dreams.

Many also ask, “Is this unethical?” Firstly, bobcats have no ethics. They are brutal killing machines with only one goal: murder. To even think about the “moral implications” of bobcat football is to court death. We must think about the collective good of our university if we want to truly make a difference.

This idea is certainly risky, but these risks are worth taking if they help our university create a legacy that we can be proud of.

Garrett Buss is a theatre arts junior

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