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Ten industries on the millennials’ kill list

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Illustration by Haley Prieto | Staff Illustrator

As of late, the millennial generation seems to be to blame for putting an end to various industries. Whether it‘s diamonds, cruises or department stores, Generation Y keeps forcing franchises and companies across the nation to close up shop. The only thing certain about this trend is this is definitely our fault. The industries facing eradication are all still relevant to society, and in no way are they guilty of not adjusting to our present times.

Many citizens outside of the millennial demographic live in constant fear, waiting to see which beloved market is next to go. Luckily, our generation got together and compiled a fully planned ‘kill list’ detailing the next targets meant to fall in death under our might!

#10 The Pharaoh Embalming Industry

Although the business model is as fresh and up-to-date as it has ever been, millennials have spoken! We are going to get rid of the huge enterprise which focuses on keeping Pharaoh carcasses intact so that they may move to the spirit realm. While it is an incredibly forward-thinking field, our generation demands it die.

#9 The pagan goat sacrifice industry

Uh-oh! While this is still a cutting edge industry, our sacrificing traditions to our gods of chaos are going to have to stop. We have ultimately decided this current multibillion dollar industry may be the reason for the past few natural disasters, so we are turning our backs on our pagan gods of old. Millennials will now worship memes!

#8 Arby’s

That’s right! Arby’s, the second-largest quick-service restaurant chain in the U.S., is ultimately coming to a close. Millennials have deemed this chain unworthy and have made a pact for its demise. Better get your soggy and disappointing Reuben sandwich now while they are still open!

#7 The Mongol Empire’s conquest industry

As crazy as it sounds, the current relentless expansion of the kingdom to the east will be ending in the near future! Millennials are going to crush the still-relevant Mongol Empire’s seemingly unstoppable grab for power. That’s just how we roll!

#6 The gladiator dueling industry

You heard it here first! The beloved warrior sport will soon be no more. As contemporary and relevant as it is, our emperor’s grand coliseum is regrettably in need of finding another main event to appease his majesty. The national enterprise focused around these rugged to-the-death battles has finally met its maker. Our generation is making sure it is on its way out!

#5 Arby’s

Did somebody say deja vu? Yes, our eighth pick, Arby’s, is back on this list once more. Millennials have decided the “good-mood food” is not quite good enough to protect this chain from its crushing defeat. Arby’s was so high on our kill list, I was forced by my superiors to include this on the column more than once. Take this as a threat, warning and a promise, Arby’s. You are going down.

#4 The sun revolving around the earth theory industry

Now, I know what you may be thinking: this is not technically an industry but more an idea and way of thought. However, I am the one writing the list here, so I get to make the rules. Everyone who has gone through modern public education has been taught the sun revolves around the earth, as we are the spiritual, moral and gravitational center of the galaxy. Surprisingly, this state of the art theory—oops, I mean industry—is on the list of things to get rid of, so teach it while you still can!

#3 The Polio industry

Polio, the disease modern scientists have said will never be stopped, is going to be eradicated by our generation! Who could have dreamed the group following Generation X would land a finishing blow to this incredibly hip and modern disease? I cannot wait to tell Franklin Delano Roosevelt!

#2 Manifest destiny

The ever-present idea that god himself has chosen America to push onward across this land is a cornerstone of our cultural identity. However, we have chosen the contemporary industry revolving around this still-widely-held belief— including the hunting of buffalo and the building of an “Intercontinental railroad” as other pastimes to finish off. Guess we better keep out of the frontier from now on!

#1 Arby’s

Arby’s. Three times. Millennials want to kill this franchise so much we have put it on this list thrice. To show you how serious we are, we gave it the number one spot. Our generation has set our sights on your head, Arby’s. Watch your back.

That has been the list of 10 undoubtedly relevant industries millennials are going to destroy next. Our generation is truly at fault for the end of these enterprises. How I wish our reign of terror could end, but I am a simple messenger of my people!

Garrett Buss is a theatre arts junior

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