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Make America swole again

Illustration by: Ashee Brunson | Staff Illustrator

Gym douchebaggery has been prevalent since modern weightlifting became popular, and was made famous by shows like Jersey Shore. In the gym, bragging rights are important, so one must meet and surpass the heaviest weights already being lifted in the gym. This sort of mentality needs to be adopted by the American public in an effort to “Make America Swole—and consequently, great again.”.

The typical gym douchebag can also be classified as a pseudo trainer giving advice on form and workout structure, only based on an article he or she halfway skimmed. A borderline creep, the gym douchebag forgoes all pre-existing societal mannerisms in the gym, such as personal space and limited eye contact. Gym douchebags can often be found yelling or grunting between reps to gain the attention their outfits or presence didn’t.

Conventional science or theory goes out the window when addressing gym douchebags. The cacophonous symphony conducted by muscle-bound, gel-headed, Beats by Dre wearing gym rats, showcases existing anthropological, physical and social enhancements present in any gym across the nation.

“Making America Swole” will not only result in fighting American obesity, but will release new ways of thinking, currently exclusive to gyms.

To be “swole,” America must be extremely buff and muscular; meaning that everyday citizens must hit the gym and work on becoming the next “American Swoledier.”

In a gym setting, there is a blatant directness and entitlement, where guys hit on girls trying to workout or people ask to cut in between sets. This “shoot your shot while you have it” mentality is the new scientific method.

Everything in the gym is related to trying: try to max out, try to get better, try to do one more rep. Whether it works or not, people end up in a better place than when they started. This directness, if applied to American politics, could alleviate stalemates in Congress.

Gone are the days where it was socially acceptable to carry on as an ignorant bro, because the world is constantly changing. Society is plagued by issues like, gender neutrality, immigration and climate change. In the gym, only three things matter. How much can you lift? What do you eat? What’s your Instagram?

The gym, much like a watering hole in the Savannah, has a natural order. Casuals make up the lower rung, next are the regulars and then the beasts—practically living in the gym—occupy the top of the system. Although there is an order similar to a caste system in place, the gym is not exclusive to any race, religion or culture. Everyone is free to cheat kettle bell swings, skip leg day and buy overpriced protein.

From General Patton to Michelle Obama, American heroes lift weights. It goes without saying physicality parallels leadership, which is one of the many reasons the U.S. military has pushed physical standards to all new highs. Like it or not, if a douchebag is successful he or she most likely has a great body to match the swagger and confidence of a cool leader.

Who needs a Nobel Peace prize when anyone can get his or her face on a box of Wheaties?

Without consulting Google, I couldn’t tell you who has been or is a current Nobel Prize Laureate. However, I can name Michael Phelps, Steph Curry and Simone Biles, athletes who have graced the coveted Wheaties box cover. The emphasis on sports in America is at an all-time high as math, science and politics all fall—as it should be.

Applied correctly, certain douchebag tendencies are actually quite beneficial. As the saying goes, “If you can’t beat them, join them, bro.”

“How many sets you got, Bro?”

Jakob R. Rodriguez is a journalism freshman