A year in Hillary Clinton’s presidency
By Katie Burrell
“Careful Bill, they said not to touch anything!” snapped Commander in Chief Hillary Clinton.
The object was clean, dynamic and shiny; a drone for Syria that had been in the making for over a year. The Clintons had been exploring the Pentagon for the past half hour; Bill couldn’t help but touch his surroundings because of his affinity for shiny, pretty things.
“It’s perfect, ISIS won’t see us coming. No one will even remember 2012,” Hillary gleamed.
As President of the United States, Hillary Clinton has had a long list of duties and taking down ISIS may not have been first on the list, but it was definitely her favorite task. As the former Secretary of State during the Obama administration, Clinton had plenty of time to do what she loved: send emails, delete emails and not so tentatively deal with foreign policy.
The average American has not only survived the past year in her presidency, but thrived and enjoyed their ride to work deportation-free. Millions of construction workers and laborers have provided for their families by building all sorts of things, however, not as many walls as one would presume.
Additionally, children of all socio-economic statuses have enjoyed affordable healthcare, journalists still have jobs and immigrants are enjoying a streamlined process that makes being American slightly less strenuous.
While the past year has been great for many Americans, it has not been a breeze for everyone. Most Trump voters have gone back to a business-as-usual lifestyle much like Trump himself, but not everyone has taken Clinton’s victory so well.
The Bible Belt has seen factions of former Trump supporters take up arms, leave their neighborhoods and form their own little “reservations” where America can truly be great again—because reservations have been so “great” historically.
The Great Again factions get smaller and smaller each day though, apparently being treated differently for their beliefs was hard for them to handle—many could not stick it out and returned to the rest of society, enjoying their healthcare and all of their first amendment rights.
Meanwhile, Congress has subdued its usual divisionary tactics, yet Clinton has still been unable to pass her debt-free college plan due to pesky filibusters. Obamacare received a dashing make-over and was not renamed Clintoncare thanks to the work of Manny Flewinsky, Clinton’s favorite intern, for talking her out of that one.
The Obama administration brought the U.S. some first-class entertainment, with President Obama appearing on late-night talk shows reading “mean tweets” and delivering some serious acting skills. The Obama children stunned citizens with their part-time work, trendy outfits and lack of public controversy. Additionally, Michelle Obama always rocked the hot-mom look and gave her input on issues like children’s health. The Clintons were excited to follow in the Obama’s footsteps—at first. They soon realized that the Obama’s natural grace and cool demeanors are not so easy to replicate.
Clinton has been the most retweeted gif on Twitter ever since she was recorded doing her rendition of “Single Ladies” on the White House lawn much to her chagrin. Her dance skills have not been the only strange sight on the lawn; there has been an unmarked black van sporting a satellite dish parked outside since her inauguration.
The Clintons have had a stable year back in the White House, most of the staff remembered where everything goes, as well as all of the best hiding spots for when the first husband gets bored. Hillary’s attempts to better the American education system have been slow but not in vain, and she has improved the immigration process and managed to keep the U.S. out of another war.
Livin’ La Vida Trump’a
By Jakob Rodriguez
Donald Trump was elected president on Nov. 8, 2016, and was inaugurated into office Jan. 20 in the same. A year later, Americans are still divided into factions dependent on who they voted for and live in a mass state of confusion and bewilderment.
Hillary Clinton was prosecuted and is currently serving time in prison after a court case that was widely televised by the Trump organization. Clinton became the new age Nelson Mandela and her supporters constantly protest and wear shirts proclaiming “#FreeHillary,” “#HarambeforHilary” and “#I’mInThereWithHer.”
Bernie Sanders, the only candidate who truly appealed to millennials and seemed like a sure thing, now leads a group of Americans who claim to be “The New Democratic Party.” The members love his policies but didn’t show up to vote during the candidate nomination period because they don’t believe in the institution of voting.
Gary Johnson and Jill Stein, who had nothing to lose going into the election, both became irrelevant to everyone’s lives.
The U.S. began the construction of a wall that Mexico did not pay for. The wall was largely contested, especially in south Texas where borders become skewed as a result of private landowners. Because the government doesn’t own a land buffer on the border, they bought the land at a cheap price and as a consequence, people were thrown off land their family had owned for generations.
Life in Washington D.C. has also changed drastically. Many Congress members and various other politicians are confused and stressed.
Speaker of the House Paul Ryan started stress eating and abandoned his intense workout regimen and as a result ballooned to the size of Trump’s massive ego. On the complete inverse, Chris Christie, still sore over Trump not picking him as his running mate, lost so much weight running around eager to prove his worth. Gone are the days of the Joe Biden gaffes or “Bidenisms” and Obama is now focusing his efforts on building his own presidential library to remind people that things weren’t always like this.
The USA Freedom kids are suing President Trump because they still have yet to receive payment for their performance and endorsement of his campaign. Once famous for gracing one of Trump’s rallies with their song “Freedom’s Call,” the group is now covering “Mad World.”
No one has heard from the music artists Mac Miller, YG or Nipsey Hussle who all went missing shortly after the inauguration. Journalists are also terrified at the thought of a misstep in a column or article as Trump’s organization starts to buy out major news conglomerates by making them “an offer they couldn’t refuse.”
One of his first actions as president was to fill the void in the Supreme Court left by Justice Scalia’s death. He acknowledged his missteps towards women and appointed Judge Judy as the new Supreme Court Justice.
Sadly, this isn’t the first time President Trump has elected a television personality to a crucial element of government. His Secretary of “D-Fence” is Ty Pennington of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and the head of Homeland Security is Damian Lewis from the show Homeland.
When President Trump was elected half of the country breathed a sigh of relief as the other half held their breath for what was to come. A large portion of Americans wanted what Trump stood and truly believed he could make a difference.
In a sea of red “Make America Great again” hats and chants of “Killary,” we lost sight of conventional policies, morals and reasoning. President Trump’s policies are questionable to say the least. This is only the beginning of an arduous four years.