Bulldoze the trees. Oxygen is overrated.

Bulldoze the trees. Oxygen is overrated.

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Illustration by: Karina Herrera | Staff Illustrator

The parking situation at Texas State is in dire need of assistance. The only plausible solution is to begin removing trees to provide parking spaces for the growing number of Bobcats.

The university is expanding at exponential rates and the inclusion of new residence halls means more parking spaces will be needed to accommodate the students. With the addition of the Moore Street residence hall, only 22 new parking spots will be available for those residents. The miniscule number of parking spots available will make it that much more difficult to find parking.

Parking Services, the bastion of all that is parking—obviously—is the sole bearer of a whopping $7 million-a-year debt. The massive amount of debt, accumulated by the construction of several parking garages, naturally allows parking services to charge students for parking permits that they are not guaranteed to receive. It makes absolute sense that students pay a fee in the triple digits only to find that four parking permits are sold for every parking space. Absolute sense.

Obviously, Texas State is in need of a creative solution to the parking fiasco. What administration, Student Government and parking services fails to realize, is that the answer has been before their very eyes since the dawn of the university—sucking up all the precious carbon dioxide and blocking views to boot.

Now is the time to bulldoze every tree on campus to provide students with a parking space. Never again will students be plagued with the trial of searching for a nonexistent parking space—a total absence of all trees will surely remedy this inconvenience.

There are a variety of reasons to replace the trees with parking spaces. First and foremost, trees are a fire hazard. Students should not have to fear for their safety.

The ecosystem is completely overrated and it is about time Texas State replaces all this useless nature with something students can use. Trees cannot get you to class when you are running fifteen minutes late. A patch of grass will not house a building of students, TAs and professors comfortably. A concrete jungle will eradicate any desire for an actual jungle. Lions and tigers and bears are gross.

The environmental fee at Texas State is only $1 compared to the $20 per credit hour students pay for athletics. According to Texas State, environmental concerns are not of concern and athletics is much more important than taking care of the planet.

And finally, as stated by Ted Cruz and countless other credible politicians, global warming is not real. Global warming is a myth made up by politically motivated scientists who have no better use of their time. The trees are in the way of Bobcats and their parking and must be handled accordingly.

For those who will miss the trees for whatever reason, it must be kept in mind that a river runs through the Texas State campus. The river supplies enough nature, beauty and “environment” to keep the wackiest of environmentalists happy. The trees supply extra fodder to the vast amount of nature Texas State already has.

If the river does not keep ungrateful students happy, the additional parking spaces can have trees painted on them. The plethora of art students will create trees much better than actual giant sticks and provide Bobcats with the beauty they crave.

In short, parking services is not thinking outside of the box—if they are thinking at all—for a solution to the parking paradox that burdens Texas State.

3 COMMENTS

  1. So. Your sarcastic and directed idiotic comments aside. What do you instead propose? Are you going to establish some sort of committee to fix this problem? Or are you just going to continue making useless sarcastic comments and expect someone else to jump through their @$$ to fix this for you? This article is a waste of time and should not have ever appeared in the paper. It is a poorly written joke and accomplishes nothing.

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