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Start drinking now, life gets worse from here

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Illustration by: Azalie Yangua | Staff Illustrator

When life hands you lemons, make a lemon drop martini because it will only get worse from here.

College provides the perfect opportunity to develop a drinking problem or a drug addiction. Upon exiting college, a dubious young adult can expect the cold, hard realities of becoming a full-fledged adult to pimp slap them into submission.

To deal with the stress of a hollow job, a massive pile of debt, mounds of bills and many other forms of punishment for growing up- one can turn to alcohol to drown out sorrows or a cocktail of drugs to ease pain.

Being a person is gross and unnecessarily complicated, therefore the only solution is to kill oneself in the slowest, most liver-damage inducing way possible. Who cares about livers when life is steadily kicking one in the genitals?

A variety of alcoholic beverages await consumption for those who have been kicked in the gut by life. For the classy, sophisticated, several cats-owning individual looms wine. The sport-watching, genital-scratching, taste-less joke making creature can always turn to beer. And the art-making, music-listening, pierced bohemian will unceasingly have absinthe.

Just as there is a variety of liver-destroying beverages to consume that numb the pains of life, one must not forget the mind-inhibiting drugs.

The bountiful array of substances the divine creator has blessed us with range in function and consumption methods. The drug one decides to take depends on personal choice and amount of free time. For those with little time to develop a drug addiction the old fashioned way- with a good ole’ needle in the arm in a back alley- I suggest prescription pills.

All one has to do is find the nearest “behavior child” to acquire all the medications they need.

By choosing to begin one’s addiction journey in college, that being will be ahead of the game. According to the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence, more than 23 million people over the age of 12 are addicted to drugs and alcohol. No one attending a university should be beaten out by a 12-year old in any field—just saying.

As students, we deal with a lot of stress such as unnecessary tests, redundant finals, grating jobs and bothersome significant others. Hitting the bottle every now and then is totally understandable, because most entities at Texas State can’t handle their basic classes, much less life.

Drugs and alcohol are the adult versions of juice-boxes and recess; as soon as someone polishes off those activities they are sure to be naptime ready. The only difference being that with drug and alcohol induced naps those darned caretakers are less sure of whether or not the person is dead.

There will be those individuals that claim that drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer to your problems but they obviously are on something much better. Life is highly overrated and the sooner Bobcats realize that, the better off they will be.

9 COMMENTS

  1. You just said that hitting the bottle every now and then is understandable but your opinion is titled start drinking now, life gets worse from here. This entire opinion is just you bashing on Texas State. you make it seem like everyone that goes to college become alcohol or drug addicts and everyone can’t handle basic courses or life. Okay those are just very rude assumptions. Also, how is there an old-fashion way of becoming a drug addict? Like theres a modern way to become one now? I understand that opinion columns are meant to raise emotions and thats the point but you guys as a staff should know that with writing opinion columns (which you guys waste more than 12inches of valuable space on the paper on) you need to be responsible and opinions like this where you assume and judge everyone on campus is irresponsible. Also, being a person is not gross and its not unnecessary, thats also a very rude comment. you’re also categorizing people that drink wine as classy and cat lovers and beer drinkers as sports watching, ball scratchers, thats really rude.

  2. I remember writing over-the-top satire at The University Star, too. Probably could use a clearer note about it, though. Good luck dealing with the people who are gonna miss that blue rag and give you hell, Mikala.

  3. Or you could just GROW Up and be an adult. Those things: Bills, requirements, obligations, family, children–> are a part of being an adult. If you don’t want life to suck, change your life? If you hate your job, change your job? If you hate what you look like, change your appearance? If you hate your degree and job field, save up and get a skill in the field you want? If you hate all these things, then why spend the money in the first place, when it sounds like you are just a person who will complain when they actually have it pretty easy? Addiction and drug habits don’t make life easier. Instead of telling people that their degrees are going to be worthless, maybe publish something useful, like how to make use out of a degree that is supposedly worthless? You don’t have to dribble a ball, throw a football, rap or sing, or to be in technology to make money. You want money, maybe go get like two or three jobs to save up to get that dream job? Mikala, it’s called paying your dues. As someone who has worked his way through college, along with other people at TxState, I learned that life does not need to suck. Yeah, that mansion, you prolly won’t be able to afford it. Yeah that lexus? Nope. You choose to put yourself through school. Learn to live with having less until you are making enough to afford luxury. Being fiscally responsible pays off in the end. You don’t like your financial outlook past 40? Maybe learn how to make more money. My conclusion–> This article sucks and provides the worst possible advice for handing real world problems. Addictions, drug habits, and alcoholism isn’t going to make the problems disappear. People in the real world don’t have to give two cents about you or your personal problems. Good luck finding a boss that will tolerate someone coming into work super high, drunk, or strung out because of these problems.

    • This isn’t an article, first of all. It’s an opinions column, dufus. Secondly, it says “Satire” at the very top. Perhaps you should learn to read before preaching some self-righteous bullshit void of any understanding of what’s actually being said in the the satirical column (not article). In the legendary words of Paris Is Burning, reading is fundamental.

  4. Bravo. Every person who commented on this obviously has failed to look up the definition of the word Satire. It’s comedy! There are many forms of it. The reason this was posted on the star is because it’s funny. in addition, Texas State is a party school. Alcohol and Weed are a pretty big thing here. I personally know 5 people who smoke. it’s everywhere! drugs and Alcohol is everywhere!

    Going back to the original point in this poorly structured comment of mine- IT IS COMEDY!
    Jennifer said it best. This is definitely my favorite part of the University Star website. real news is great but understanding of the struggles and bull shit that accompany most people at any University is something that should not be underestimated. We all like to see the camaraderie and understanding. She got paid either way- and ya’lls crappy comments don’t make much of a difference- But a laugh once in awhile is okay.

    Bravo, and I hope to see more from you.

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